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Super Bowl Party No No's

Super Bowl Party No-Nos: What Not to Do at Super Bowl Parties

By Loot, NFL Handicapper, Lootmeister.com

If you're not a big football fan or have a wife who has a habit of smearing a good time at football viewing events, please read this out of respect for the others at the party! Yes people, there is such a thing as Super Bowl party etiquette!

1. F the Commercials: This is the Super Bowl. How dare you shush me because you’re trying to watch a Go Daddy commercial. There might actually be some sports fans in the room, guys who put in months of viewing time. This is the culmination. So if you want to come across as a real loser, go ahead and say “The best part of the Super Bowl is the commercials.” No, it’s not the best part. You’re just not a real football fan. Shut it.

2. Learn the Game on Your Own Time: We don’t expect everyone to be a football fan in life. But you don’t see us park our big butts next to you when the finale of Dancing with the Stars is on, asking you 100 questions about the show. So don’t expect a room full of football fans watching the biggest game of the year to be willing to explain to you the rules and every nuance of the sport in the midst of the championship contest. If you want to know why a quarterback took a knee to end the first half, maybe you should go help out in the kitchen a little bit and get those nachos ready like you’re supposed to.

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3. Keep Your Health Kick to Yourself: It’s nice that you’re watching over your health. Maybe you’re on a diet or even went gluten-free. But hey, this is the Super Bowl. We want nachos, chicken wings--stuff like that. While we’re OK with some celery and carrot sticks with ranch dip perhaps--we’re not looking to get healthy on this day, of all days. So take into account the needs of your guests. Put the beer out. Put the soda out (no diet). And put out some food that is worthy of a Super Bowl.

4. Don’t Try to Become the Event: There is always one, a person who wants to be the show. They yap all over the game, they are always in your field of vision, and they’re constantly distracting you from the game. This is not your time to shine, pal. And ever notice how the loudest guy in a room is usually the least-funny? Yeah, that means you. People got dressed and drove over to someone’s home to watch the Super Bowl, not to watch you not be able to handle drinking 5 bottles of Lowenbrau without descending into rampant idiocy. Sit down and be quiet. Do what the rest of us are doing--chiming in here and there and not becoming the attraction. You’re probably not even funny enough to warrant us being distracted from a re-run of the Jeffersons, much less the Super Bowl. How dare you.

5. Handle Your Liquor: You know how you are. Some of you can drink a quart of Monkey and still stand still. Others start acting like Joe Namath coming onto Suzy Kolber after a 22 of Schlitz. If you fall into the latter category, please try to keep it together. We’ll try to be nice, but if you start talking our ear off with the breath of an exhumed Vic Tayback--you’re killing the whole experience for us. Know your limits and act accordingly. The Super Bowl is not license for you to be a drunken fool.

6. Don’t Be a Know-It-All: We’ve all spent Super Bowl Sunday subjected to some ranting lunatic who needs to showcase the full spectrum of his NFL knowledge. And as you’ve heard, the ones who really know are the quiet ones. You might know a little football, but someone who knows more than you will find your observations rather insignificant, while those who don’t know better will just think you’re showing off. It’s nice that you can quote what Paul Bradshaw’s rushing average is or tell us how many receptions Wes Welker had this year, but don’t feel like you need to clonk everyone over the head with your half-baked understanding of the sport. And notice how these big-mouths never even have a bet riding on the game! If you’re not putting your money where your mouth is--you’re not saying squat. Put a cork in it already.

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